the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i need some magic done to my vagina
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
