a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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