True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
