Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
