When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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