Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
