She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
