hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
