There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
