I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My penis needs a shock collar
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
