Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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