So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
