I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize