Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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