I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
