i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And then my night got REAL pukey
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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