I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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