Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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