i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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