I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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