My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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