dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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