I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
