I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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