he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
NoShamevember. You game?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
