I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
