1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
