it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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