walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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