Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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