i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
