I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just puked most of my soul out..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
