You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
