I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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