My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
