I'm sorry my penis didn't work
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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