I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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