she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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