woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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