its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize