After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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