Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
