i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
