You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
