rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
