My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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