I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
