There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
FUCK WHALES
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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