the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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