did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
