break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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