i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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