We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk is a universal language darling
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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