you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
its liver damage thursday
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
