Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
