Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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