Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
thus making me awesome and them whores
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
