I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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