im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize